orpheo looks back

Friday, November 6th, 2071. 11:45 AM

Sebastian turned on his heel, trying to orient himself. This was not the garden gate of the Shoe. Decidedly. Wick, yes, but clear out by the post office/cafe- he hadn’t gotten closer to the house than the end of the path since Lucy’d brought him back as hers, but this was a new long-distance. No longer allowed to apparate to the front door without her. And this, unlike being sporadically blocked from the Firm, could not have anything to do with the genes he shared with Portia; he’d never had any trouble getting to the Shoe before. Intentionally cast or not, this was personal.

He sighed and opened the sleek black umbrella he’d pulled from nowhere. Of course it would be pouring down. Not that PJ controlled the weather, it just suited his mood. He’d expected to struggle with fatherhood, but this- PJ’s apparent 180 in her opinion of him- he hadn’t anticipated. Maybe he should have… but he didn’t know anything about love that came and went, only the steadfast kind and its total absence. He didn’t really know what to do with coldness out of nowhere. And he wasn’t sure how else to describe this; he didn’t even know what PJ imagined was going on, because she refused to let her incredibly obvious discontent be addressed.

He’d been willing to bite his tongue until now, trying to imagine he was blowing things out of proportion. The previous night had broken something in him though, seeing Lucy so distraught and knowing it might not be fully in his power to fix it. He… was a fixer. He’d very rarely been in a situation like this, where he couldn’t clearly envision a set of solutions and all their associated implications. He was too close to see it properly, and he was missing too much information. It was an uncomfortable feeling. He wasn’t sure he’d slept at all- it’d grown, by bedtime, into the sort of protectiveness that requires keeping watch… so he knew Lucy hadn’t had good rest either. An unacceptable trend, in his opinion- she needed more sleep than her schedule allowed, and if he was going to continue restraining himself from interfering with her schedule, the rest she did have needed to be of quality. And no more tears for dinner either. It was enough. He was very possibly headed to his death, but he’d make sure he earned it first.

He had no idea what he was going to say. It was unlike him not to have a solid plan, but he was so consumed by the end goal (a less miserable Lucy, immediately) that he couldn’t think of anything more specific. All night. All morning. He’d taken an early lunch because he was actively useless in his preoccupation; Samedi’d threatened to throw him out of two different windows and that felt like his cue to get out before his professional reputation took a hit. He felt semi-deranged. Caveman-esque. But he couldn’t just stand by anymore even if taking action without telling Lucy he intended to felt… vaguely disgusting. He’d call her after- if her mother didn’t smite him- and hope he’d be forgiven.

He smoothly sidestepped the puddle that formed under his foot as he walked through the gate, cursing under his breath. Somehow that distilled his resolve. He knocked while shaking out his umbrella, but didn’t wait to be let in since the chaos was usually too loud to hear the door- he’d been told dozens of times not to bother knocking, Before, but that’d always seemed impolite even if other friends walked right in all the time. He’d been playing by PJ’s bizarre new rules for Sebastian the Boyfriend, but he was here specifically to put an end to it so he figured he ought to start right away. Leave no room for confusion. He hung his wet jacket and umbrella on a hook and kicked off his shoes- he was not here to be rude, just to set things straight. He’d been comfortable here and he was not willing to lose that, even if it meant clawing it back by force.

To that end- “PJ,” he called into a house that was oddly quiet. Not SILENT, it was the Shoe, but no one was running around the living room with a chicken. He thanked his unusually good luck. This was not a conversation he was prepared to have in front of an audience of children, but somehow the fact that they were usually ruling the roost hadn’t entered his vision. …there hadn’t been much of a vision truthfully, just a very intense desire to finally get the confrontation over with. He’d meant to come, but also hadn’t given it any real thought… he’d apparated as soon as the notion entered his mind when he’d stepped out of the bakery onto the sidewalk.

He poked his head into the living room. “We’re going to sit down and talk,” he instructed. “You too, Colin,” he added, turning and going into the kitchen, “I’ll put the kettle on.” He waited for them there, by the stove, posture easy and relaxed; it had been a good long while since assholery had been called for in his personal life, but it still fit like a glove. He liked to fight in kitchens, it seemed an appropriate setting. Not that this was necessarily going to be a fight. He was just prepared for it to be. He attempted to choose his words carefully… maybe a pointless endeavor considering he’d come in with metaphorical fists raised. Defensively, but even so. “I love both of you. I mean no disrespect. But Lucy is my priority, and her recent, ongoing unhappiness as a result of your behavior, PJ, is simply not acceptable. So how do you propose we work through your problems with me, or her choosing me, or our relationship… whatever they are. This has gone on long enough and it’s hurting all of us, I’ll stay until we figure it out.” Remembering, he produced a box of pastries from Hazel and held them up in silent offering before setting them on the island between them.

"Our son-in-law is at the gate," Colin announced, tongue-in-cheek, as he helped PJ remove the soot from her hair. PJ had created the perimeter wards, but it was decided at the onset that they would alert to Colin only, because PJ would never sleep otherwise. There was a magical log updated with all the comings and goings and she could look at that at her leisure (or more usually, at her worry. She had, on several occasions, stuck it on kitchen cabinets (and during Elliott's detainment had charmed it to float across from her at eye level when Colin was out of the house. But she'd take that secret to her grave)).

PJ shot him the nastiest look she could muster, which on the face of the most beautiful woman in the world (according to Colin) came off comical rather than menacing, and practically hissed over her shoulder at him "NONE of our daughters are married."

"Yet," Colin quipped.

She rounded on him and poked him in the chest. "You are NOT funny."

Colin gently clasped his hand around her poking finger. "We have three married children and the longest engagement of the three of them was six months, the other two-"

PJ ripped her hand away from his. "-I KNOW how fast my children married."

"If you think this one is going to go any differently-"

"-PJ!"

The voice of their probably future son-in-law cut Colin off. They'd been squabbling by the fireplace where PJ had arrived from- Sebastian must have come in through the kitchen. Colin grasped PJ's elbow and she was immediately incensed. She did NOT need to be HANDLED (her hair being at 80s Glam Metal levels said otherwise). "Let-" PJ was cut off this time.

"We're going to sit down and talk," Sebastian's head appeared along with his voice this time.

"Good morning, Bash!" Coin greeted jovially.

"-Let go of me," PJ growled under her breath at her probably soon-to-be ex-husband.

"You too, Colin," Sebastian finished.

"Of course!" Colin agreed to both of their requests and dropped PJ's arm.

But to his wife he quietly said something that, until this moment, she had only ever heard him say to their children. "Behave."

THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. OF BOTH MEN. IN HER HOUSE. TELLING HER WHAT TO DO. ON HER LUNCH BREAK-

"Darling," Colin's actual words cut off her internal ones. "You have to know that's why he's here."

IMPOSSIBLE. PATIENCE JANE BECKETT BEHAVED PERFECTLY AT ALL TIMES. WELL. Okay. THAT thought was ridiculous enough that she snapped herself out of it. Sort of. She was still ENRAGED but she could at least recognize that it was a bit of an over-reaction. "Oh, not to ask for our daughter's hand?" She'd been married to Colin for over thirty years, she could play his game, too.

"Well, that too, but-" cut off with a sharp WACK as she backhanded him across his chest. The problem with playing along was that Colin just kept playing. He couldn't be got.

"-I'll put the kettle on." Sebastian cut them off again.

PJ's rage transformed into horror. WHAT WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH HER HANDS IF SHE WASN'T THE ONE MAKING THE TEA?!

She scurried hurriedly into the kitchen. Colin followed after, no scurry. "Don't be silly, Bash, it's my kitchen," she tried to take back the task.

But he didn't move aside and PJ wasn't sure she could make him. Actually, she was SURE she could make him, but she wasn't sure the house would survive the outpouring of magic that such a maneuver would undoubtedly release from her, and she was very attached to the house. Less so to the other two occupants of said house at the moment.

Sebastian carried on without acknowledging what she'd said, and by the time he stopped talking PJ cheeks burned with embarrassment at being specifically called out. BY NAME. For something that WASN'T TRUE. Colin had already had this conversation with her (several times!), so she shot him a look brimming with poison daggers, certain that he'd brought this on somehow. She was FINE with things.

She gripped the edge of the island (since she was FORCED to be IDLE) and DENIED VEHEMENTLY THE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HER. "I love you very much," true, "and I don't have any problem with you," true, "dating Lucy," would be true if there was any dating happening (but it appeared: no. Just instantly from 'brothers' friend' to 'lover').

"Peej-"

"There's nothing to figure out!" she threw up her hands. And, well, since they were free again she realized there was actually more she could be doing aside from making tea: she HAD come home for lunch. So she called a ripe tomato into her left hand, a chef's knife into her right, and started slicing the tomato on a cutting board that appeared on the island in front of her.

"Lucy's been unhappy?" Her quipping husband was gone and there in his place was her children's loving father. She'd glossed right past that bit. Lucy hadn't seemed unhappy to her, and she was sure she knew better than Sebastian. She knew them both better than they knew each other! So she knew what kind of match they made: a bad one! But they were adults! They could make stupid mistakes! Reckless mistakes! That might end with having to cut Sebastian out of her life on behalf of her broken hearted daughter- WAS THIS AN ONION SHE WAS CUTTING???

Sebastian scoffed; he could believe the first two prongs were truthful (certainly they’d felt true until recently), but PJ obviously didn’t like him for her daughter. There were thousands of GOOD REASONS for ANY mother not to like him for her daughter! He wouldn’t really take issue with that, he knew he’d earned it. He was prepared to prove himself, determined to, but HOW WAS HE MEANT TO FIX THIS IF PJ WAS EQUALLY DETERMINED TO PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS FINE? He’d really thought making tea in her own kitchen would provoke… SOMETHING. But no, even this extremely direct confrontation wasn’t enough; she really was going to continue making this difficult- and possibly slice a finger off given the way she was going at that tomato. Nothing to figure out- she was being absurd. He shook his head in disbelief, mentally shuffling through possible next moves.

Colin interjected and he was saved from thoughts of escalation. “She hasn’t exactly been allowed to be excited, has she. Not here anyway, it’s felt like we’re all acting out a play since we told you. It’s so… polite.” The kettle started a low whistle and he reached down to turn off the hob before it could reach full volume. Since PJ was making herself lunch, it seemed he was allowed to see this task through to the end. He knew where everything was; hadn’t he grown up here too? “I’m not looking to resolve the specifics… I know there’s context I’m missing in the way you understand Lucy’s past. It isn’t my business, it’s yours. But if it’s going to BE resolved, and it must be, she needs to feel like she can talk to you. Normally.”

He wasn’t looking to distract his hands, he was here with singular purpose. He called down the mugs and a flower-covered ceramic teapot and the sugar and milk, all with a (somewhat irritated) flick of his fingers. Magic felt different now that he had Lucy to keep him anchored; he didn’t even consider the magnitude of the shift from an outside perspective, he wasn’t thinking about anything but moving this conversation forward. Pronto. “Which, PJ… no one has been allowed to do for weeks, you’ve got us all in this weird, false reality where everything is peachy. Lucy needs her mum, so tell me how to get out of the Twilight Zone.” He was NOT happy that the reasoning behind the urgency was still a secret but he wouldn’t even be hinting at the pregnancy, or their engagement, or anything else. He’d fix the structure, Lucy knew best how to pick up the smaller pieces. This wasn’t exactly her first time in the ring with her parents.

Not allowed to be excited here only? A little caution would do Lucy well! She'd never been able to inspire it in her any other way, anyway; hadn't even meant to inspire it this time! She was TRULY just trying to MIND HER OWN BUSINESS and let them make their own bad choices! Being polite was the right thing to do! They'd burn through this ridiculous romance faster without her interference, and the sooner the better! A flash in the pan romance was recoverable for everyone!

Keeping her mouth shut was kind! 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!' It had been working! Badly, maybe, but she didn't think she'd have to do it long. She didn't think she'd have to endure so many chastisements, either! WAS she really so terrible at acting?!

She knew where this was going, anyway, they weren't any better at covering up their intentions than she was. She'd been provoked in all the worst ways! So when Sebastian told her to tell him what to do....

She slammed the knife down on the cutting board and, eyes shining with frustrated tears, gave these ridiculous men exactly what they'd been asking for.

"You break up with her! That's how you get out of the Twilight Zone. Just end it now before she's too far gone and everything can go back to the way things were!"

"Patience-" Colin started in.

"No, don't! I love you so much, Sebastian, you and Lucy, both! You've grown into such wonderful adults and I couldn't be more proud to have had a part in that. You're both happy in your careers, faithful friends, and such important parts in this family. I'd absolutely hate it if you couldn't be around on holidays because you broke her heart." She hated herself a little, too, for feeling that way. Like the bad part wasn't that her daughter's heart would be broken, but that she'd have to have Christmases without all of her children.... Without Sebastian.

"And you will! If this keeps going! You will, because she loves hard and fast and so completely. She jumps with no safety net EVERY TIME." In truth, she saw a lot of herself in Lucy. For all their differences, in this way they were very similar.

She shook her head like it would shake away her tears. All it really did was make her hair even bigger. "You're a good man: you'd never break her heart on purpose, Sebastian. But you're so different to each other. You weren't even friends! You were friendLY but not friends. You have no commonalities. 'Just two beautiful people who decided being together would be even more beautiful,'" PJ had spies everywhere. Mostly they didn't know they were spies, which is how she got all the best info.

She crossed her arms over her chest like it would help keep everything else in... But, no, the dam had broken and everything kept pouring out of her. "She wants so badly to be a mum, and you've been so clear you never want kids.... How is it supposed to last when you want such different things out of life? Will she convince herself not to have them because you don't want them? I've seen her be convinced by partners before.

"And what will happen when you kill her one ambition? You've only ever dated ambitious women: prima ballerinas and sopranos in the opera and first chair violinists" sure, he'd never told her. She'd never met a single one of them. But she wasn't stupid, and she loved him, so she followed his every gossip rag appearance, every opening night stage door photo, the red carpets.... The women he usually dated were nothing like Lucy. So WHY was he with Lucy?! "If she gives up the thing she wants the most, what will be left to keep you interested? Her work is not going to win awards: she doesn't want that. She's said so many times she just wants to keep getting paid well to blow things up!

"Don't blow up her life, Sebastian. She'll let you. And she'll recover, eventually, she always does." The tears hand finally escaped and she swiped at them furiously. "But I won't. I've loved you since you were a boy. You're so important to this family. To Sam and Cole. And to me."

Good then, finally on with it. He was grateful he had such extensive practice keeping a straight face- the idea of breaking up with Lucy was so preposterous that he might’ve laughed otherwise. Which would certainly have been ill-advised. Sebastian took a deep breath and leaned back against the counter, loosening his tie before gripping the tiled edge hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He was… unhappier. Than he’d expected to be. Hearing all the reasons laid out like this. A truly complicated kind of unhappiness. Regret for past choices that were coloring PJ’s understanding of things now. Offense on Lucy’s behalf- at the stagnant image of her that seemed to be real for her mother. A distant distress at the imaginary dissolution of their relationship. Impatience over holding keys to clarity he WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAND OVER- he wouldn’t, not even if he was more tempted than he’d ever been in his LIFE to close his mouth around a hook. Lucy would be right not to forgive him for divulging the pregnancy, and he wasn’t here SUFFERING to rob anyone of happy family moments! That was antithetical to his aims!

He didn’t interrupt with as much as a raised eyebrow. Just let her keep… going. Watched through his eyes from somewhere further inside himself. This was a new way of being disappointing, for him… having never really ‘met the parents.’ But he was intimately familiar with the feeling of having fallen short by someone else’s estimations, so. His subconscious understood to listen carefully- with care for himself, that was. Without recording. Like it was the sound of running water. He knew what she was saying, but couldn’t have repeated any of it… if he listened properly, from his right position within his body, then, later, it would be the looping. And he didn’t want any of this repeating in his head tonight or any other. The part of him that had always kept him safe knew that. And it wasn’t a lawyer either, so… no interrupting.

“I would never-“ he swallowed hard over a sudden surge of emotion, upset not that PJ thought he was capable of breaking Lucy’s heart, but at the idea of Lucy hurting, in the purely hypothetical. “I haven’t exactly left a trail of destruction in my wake.” EVERYONE knew PJ had a whisper network- the woman never left her house but was never in want of gossip! Just because he hadn’t BROADCAST his dating escapades didn’t mean he’d assumed them to be secret. Which meant she also knew that for all the sordid adjectives that had been attached to his name, he had no reputation as a heart-breaker. No history of ruining lives. What was more, she PERSONALLY knew him to be cautious to a fault, and stubbornly loyal to people who drove him MAD (SAM AND RUBY), and… lonely. Why did she think he was so incapable of loving Lucy for the long haul? He didn’t know if it was more about his perceived flaws or Lucy’s, but it… didn’t really matter. It’d wounded either way.

“And frankly, you’re underestimating your daughter if you think she’d ‘let’ me do anything to hurt her. She’d end me before I could blink.” He didn’t doubt that, and wasn’t just saying so. But it wasn’t enough, he knew it wasn’t; PJ… didn’t really trust Lucy. Maybe with reason- he wasn’t willing to concede GOOD reason, but a parent’s reason anyway. He didn’t need to wait to BE a father to sort-of get that… he already felt insane and there wasn’t even anyone defenseless to protect yet.

“Her happiness is mine, too. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. We knew we had different views on children,” oh he was a real asshole, he could feel himself spinning flawlessly, “That was one of the first things we talked about,” technically THE first, so… true, “It would have been reckless to enter into a relationship with irreconcilable visions for the future, we aren’t teenagers. And I don’t think you could fairly call me, at least, reckless.” …he had to concede Lucy, sometimes, was. No point denying evidenced truth. “We are very different people, but-“ he gestured between Colin and PJ, “-aren’t you, too? …our values are the same, the important ones anyway- we learned them from the same people. I think… maybe it shouldn’t be such a massive surprise that we’d end up falling for each other later on. For heaven’s sake, of course we weren’t FRIENDS then- how many children were you friends with as a teenager!”

He frowned, then, because he could not let something she’d said go, added, “Lucy is infinitely interesting. I know you know that yourself, so it’s a bit insulting you’d think it was something hard for other people to recognize. I could never run out of things to love about her. No one with any sense could. So I’d thank you to stop imagining our breakup when that scenario is, now and in perpetuity, purely hypothetical. Plus, what holiday would Briar ever let me miss? No, I’m afraid you’re just stuck with me-“ he interrupted himself crossly, but not venomously, “Bloody hell Colin, can you give your wife a hug or how long is she supposed to stand there crying?”

Okay, well, WHAT was Sebastian provoking his wife for if it was SIMPLY to fight?? Lucy asking him to talk to PJ had come with a sense of urgency and then Sebastian showing up out of nowhere, too... This was NOT Colin's first rodeo, if there wasn't an impeding engagement or baby or move back to America WHAT WAS THE RUSH. PJ always came around eventually and Colin only helped set Sebastian up because he knew him to be a reasonable man. NOT TODAY, THOUGH. He'd been truly too shocked to interrupt and now that he was finished Colin was ready to FINISH HIM.

"She'll be fine. You, on the other hand... step outside; we're taking a walk."

PJ looked... The most upset he'd seen her since Owen declared he was getting married at 18, which was saying a lot: it was a miracle Wick hadn't been reduced to ash from her rage.

He put his hand over hers against the island and squeezed gently. "We'll be back when you've finished making lunch, Darling, and we'll all sit and eat together."

"Fine," she managed through clenched teeth.

He leaned over and kissed her temple, only feeling mildly singed in the process.

Then he joined Sebastian outside.

"What the HELL is going on: I know I didn't help set you up just so you could FIGHT with my wife. Is there not some urgent news? Because her name is actually a NEON WARNING SIGN and I would have NEVER helped you to force her to talk if I didn't think you had good reason, so where on Earth is your good reason?! You and Lucy BOTH have ambushed me at lunch, desperate to get my wife to HURRY UP about something that she WOULD have come around to on her own, with time. Why's there no time, Sebastian?"

He was hot all over, prickly and electric from the soles of his feet to his scalp- he wished he could run his hands through his hair but he had to be back at the office after this and his office hair didn’t just happen. He did virtually all of his arguing in a suit, but it felt three sizes too small now. Somehow three sizes too big at the same time. Strangled by a costume. It was hard to tell if it was shame or anger or both; it didn’t matter, neither was tolerable. He worked hard to never feel either. He wasn’t sure how long his rope was, whether it was possible to become more like his parents if he gave into baser impulses say, 41 times. It was superstitious… his rational mind knew it didn’t work that way. That there was no tipping point, just a scale that weighed help and harm. If even that.

He didn’t need to be told twice- barely needed to be told once, he’d been about ready to thrown himself out. A walk seemed preferable even if he could almost feel his skeleton trying to leave the rest of him behind. He needed a run. But he couldn’t keep processing everything that way… it wasn’t going to be practical once the baby was there. Couldn’t very well go sprinting into the night every time he was stressed or stupid. He was bound to be both more often than he was used to. He mumbled a FULL-hearted apology to PJ on his way out; he knew it wasn’t the time, but he was already, immediately, sorry. He’d skipped this phase of adolescence… too busy being grateful the Fixes had taken him in to have asinine fights where everyone was meaner and more reckless than they’d meant. He’d never loved a partner to be so comfortably careless. And Ruby had cornered the market on drama in the friend group. He’d forgotten his umbrella. He looked up into the rain and decided he’d use a sick day. He did feel sick. Like something bad needed out of him.

“I am truly sorry-“ he’d started talking at the same time as Colin and didn’t fight being cut off. He’d earned it. But FUCK. He really hadn’t wanted to do this, he’d just wanted the next Sunday dinner to be, if it was doomed to be weird, the kind of weird where LUCY could tell them. Where they could share the news together. But that… was never going to be possible. It wasn’t really like him to be idealistic, he was used to trusting his daydreams. Love was so irksome. He wouldn’t go back! But fucking hell. It was making him an idiot. He couldn’t even find them a house, and not for lack of trying; nothing was perfect and she deserved it to be. He hadn’t been able to give her anything the way she deserved… maybe he DID wish he could go back. Not to change the outcome! Just… to reassure her there wasn’t as big of a hurry as she thought. She’d asked before she’d known he wasn’t going anywhere, and he hadn’t proven he wasn’t overnight. They could have done this right. She might have been annoyed with him for a while, but wouldn’t that be better than THIS? Forget SELF-control, where was the rest of it?? He’d let this whole thing run away from him; they were all suffering now because he hadn’t wanted to spook Lucy months ago.

“We’re having a baby,” he blurted finally. It felt unforgivable to deliver good news like this. “And apparently I’m losing my mind.” He pushed a hand through his hair, gripping it before letting his arm dangle uselessly at his side again. “I’m ashamed of the way I just acted, but not of anything else. It wasn’t an accident. We were committed to co-parenting even if things didn’t work out between us, I was never going anywhere. I knew Lucy wanted to be a mum” -true, but a lawyerly framing considering she had definitely come to him- “and I thought… I could do it, like that. A sometimes-father. If I’d known we were going to fall in love, I wouldn’t have… I would have chosen to do things differently. More slowly.” He knew he didn’t have to convince Colin of that, literally NO ONE would have pegged him for this kind of behavior. There were perks to a reputation, too, even if his had been getting him in trouble this week. “But here we are. There isn’t time for PJ to come around or Lucy is going to have to do it without her, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t be the reason that happens, she needs her mum. She deserves more than just me to be excited with, and I am… not… I think handling it very well that she doesn’t. It makes me feel like I’m isolating her, which isn’t-“ he cut himself off when he realized he was crying. Soundlessly, mercifully, so not obvious with the rain. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, knowing he’d said too much and not enough to make it right; he wasn’t sure which he was apologizing for.

Even though 'impending baby' was on Colin's 'list of things requiring urgency' he was still shocked to hear that was the news. He would have bet a large sum on 'getting married quickly'- there SEEMED to be a family curse/enchantment towards that one and Sebastian was too meticulous to cause an 'oops' pregnancy.

Which, Sebastian confirmed three sentences later: not an accident. Didn't really clear things up, though, because WHY would Sebastian of all people have a PLANNED baby with anybody, let alone his hurricane of a daughter.

Oh GOODNESS GRACIOUS LUCY IS PREGNANT?! He had so many grandchildren already, but all through sons: it felt different to hear that his daughter was carrying his next grandchild. The rain had been avoiding him nearly automatically and without thought, but he let it hit him then to try and help him though his renewed shock. Sebastian was still talking and Colin wanted to keep up.

BUT HOW there was NOT a clear path to follow. 'Co-parenting?' 'Sometimes-father?!' And THEN falling in love?? Definitely a Lucy plan if there ever was one, but WHY had Sebastian EVER signed on?! No matter, he could get those answers later. Sebastian was clearly distressed and THEY WERE HAVING A BABY!

"Oh, Sebastian-" Colin started, pulling the younger man roughly into a tight hug. But 'oh WHAT' there was too much to choose from. Well, no, he knew where to start. Veteran rodeoer, him. "Nobody's doing this alone. Nobody's isolated. There's nothing to be sorry for- except the bizarre cultural expectation to keep a pregnancy secret until week twelve. That was hard for me, too, and PJ wanted it every time."

He gave him a squeeze within the hug. "You're not going anywhere," he affirmed. It had seemed like a very important fact to both Sebastian and PJ: that Sebastian's place in the family should remain unchanged. It was important to Colin, too, but he'd never been afraid that it might. But he also meant presently- "I'll let Elliott know you won't be back at the Firm today. Actually," he pulled back to look at Sebastian, his hands sliding to hold the other man's shoulders, in case Sebastian's face decided today was the day it would start giving clues about his feelings. And maybe so! It was hard to tell with the rain, but he seemed to be crying. "actually, Briar would be a welcome addition to this situation, yes? And we'll send someone to intercept Lucy at home when she gets off work today, they can bring her here after and we can all gush about the baby. It IS happy news," he wanted Sebastian to be sure he thought so, "I'm sure Lucy is just thrilled, truly shocked she hasn't told on herself, I can't wait to hear her talk about it-" Colin cut himself off grinning.

He flinched at the hug and only then realized he’d been waiting for the part where he was punished. Which… hadn’t been a real worry since he’d left home, but logic seemed to not apply when he was drowning like this. He couldn’t convince his body to relax, but he had very desperately needed a hug; he clung to Colin tensely. That wasn’t… they were nearly AT twelve weeks, and he knew that wasn’t the reason Lucy hadn’t told them. He was the reason. She wouldn’t have hesitated like this if he hadn’t thrown such a wrench in her plan… she wouldn’t have had to, she was probably right that questions of who the father were would be less interesting to this group than the baby news. She could have spent the past month, at least, sharing the experience with her family. It was selfish. He’d been selfish. And impatient, now twice over. Had chosen monumentally bad times to be either. He didn’t issue a correction, but he didn’t meet Colin’s eyes when he pulled back either.

His throat constricted with a sudden violence at the mention of Briar. He nodded wordlessly, jaw clenched, sure he’d be sobbing outright if he tried to open his mouth. He’d been avoiding her. Well. To the extent it was possible to avoid Briar. She could be counted on to arrive at the truth if she was allowed to look at you too long… and he couldn’t very well talk to her openly before the Becketts knew what was going on. That would have been unfair and wrong on four or five different levels. It would never lose its strangeness for him- that when he wanted his mum, she was who he wanted. Maybe because there were so many years where that want was unanswered by anyone.

“Thank you,” he managed after a few hard swallows. None of this was made easier by Colin drawing up a plan, because of course Sebastian made the plans; he’d not had an alternative option but to become the person with the plan, who was taking care of him? It was as uncomfortable as it was relieving, being shown this specific kind of love right now. He was in no state to make good decisions (CLEARLY), but it was still… wrong-feeling, somehow. Like he’d dropped the ball. Which he sort of had, so maybe that was a fair way to feel, if uncomfortable.

“Nell-“ he suggested, remembering. “She was coming over already, I can ask her to bring Lucy here.” …coming over to be told they were getting married. Which might mean all of came out today anyway, but he was only going to be responsible for blabbing one set of secrets. He didn’t especially think it would make things better to know he was at least going to make her an honest woman… but even if he’d thought it would, he’d rather suffer judgement for a few more hours than take another thing from Lucy. He’d done enough. Too much! He tried for a smile and got halfway there. “We both are. Thrilled. I know it doesn’t seem like I am, at the moment, but that’s why I’m such a wreck.” He gave Colin’s arm an appreciative squeeze. “I’m just… going to wait out here for a minute, let you talk to PJ. …I hope you both know how out of character that was for me, I’d never… treat Lucy like that. Or anyone else. I’m mortified.” Once he said it, he knew that was the main source of his shame: that he’d somehow been duping everyone with a convincing mask, that his lapse of control might be misconstrued as a more authentic look at him, that there should ever be cause for concern about Lucy’s happiness or wellbeing.

He meant to take a minute to collect his thoughts, but it ended up being all he could do to collect himself. To finally stop crying and crawl back into the controls of his body again. He wanted to see Lucy so desperately that he could feel magic start tugging him towards her, but he shut down the overwhelming urge to apparate. It would make him feel better, at least temporarily, to check on her, to see her unaffected by any of the chaos she’d walk into later. But only temporarily. He knew she wanted to fix things there on her own, and showing up on set would absolutely read as his trying to insert himself. Even though all he really wanted was a hug that didn’t send his body into fight or flight. He settled for sending a text, bending over his phone to shield the screen from the rain so he could type.

I love you, remember to eat lunch. That was it. They talked throughout the day, usually, and today especially Lucy had been keeping him updated. It wouldn’t do any good to make her worry now, he knew she’d force herself to finish the day regardless and almost anything made her sick, not least of all stress. She might be angry to later learn he’d been with her parents all afternoon, but he was sure she already would be anyway. What was one more reason.

He didn’t want to face PJ. This was probably a bigger deal than the problems she’d convinced herself of. He felt, on top of embarrassed, awkward to not give her any space to process. It was absurd to be out here in the November rain, he knew that, but what was he supposed to do?? He turned towards the house at the distant sound of his name, shoulders sagging with relief to see Briar stepping through a temporary gap in the dense. He crossed the distance in fewer steps than should have been possible, the garden’s time-space accordioning around him to hurry him on.

Colin squeezed Sebastian's shoulders. "Stress can make anybody a stranger to themselves. You're forgiven. This will pass, and you'll get back to feeling like yourself." He gave his shoulder a final pat, said "I love you: we all do," and then walked away to give Sebastian the minute he asked for and start coordinating... Everything else.

He pushed the rain away from him again so he could use is phone easily and called Briar. Because he'd lived through the revolution that had killed his sister-in-law and best friend he opened with the news that everyone was physically fine, there was no danger, just some emotional turmoil and that Sebastian and PJ could both benefit from her presence and could she please let Elliott know that Bash would not be returning to work this afternoon.

Then he went to his son's house nextdoor so he could let Owen know PJ would also not be returning to work.

Back inside, PJ was plating grilled tomato and mozzarella sandwiches and had some sort of soup in a pot on the stove. She looked up as her husband came back inside. "He didn't leave, did he?" She'd come down from her anger enough to be worried when Sebastian hadn't come in with him.

Colin magically dried himself off and cleaned his shoes. "No, he's just having a moment. Briar's letting Elliott know he won't be back to work." He stepped over to PJ and put a hand on her shoulder. "How are you?"

She turned into him and wrapped her arms around his middle. "Awful. I wish I hadn't said... most things," she took a big deep breath as Colin's arms wrapped around her shoulders and held her to him.

"Did they elope?" she guessed, since it had clearly been Colin's guess when Bash had shown up. She'd wished she'd had the insight at the time to realize he wasn't just riling her up, but work had already been rough -that's why she'd come home for lunch- so she already wasn't doing her best thinking.

Colin shook his head. "Planned a baby before they were even together..." He was certain enough to say so. Sebastian hadn't been entirely clear, but it did make the most sense. "Are now obviously together and Lucy's pregnant."

PJ pulled back to look at him in shock "What, what do you mean 'before they were together'?"

Colin tried to give it to her gently. "Lucy has been saying, you know, since she's moved back...'who even needs a man to have a baby' and 'I could just be a single mum'... Seemed more like wishful thinking than a real idea, only... It seems like it became a real idea, maybe. Sebastian was all over the place with his explanation, but in context... I think the timeline is Lucy decided to have a baby on her own, asked Bash to father said baby, he agreed... Lucy got pregnant and then they got together after all.

"But Sebastian was clear that they're both very happy about the baby. He's just right now wishing things had happened in a more traditional order... And really regretting the forced timeline of things, I think. But not the baby and not falling for Lucy."

She looked away from him, on the verge of crying for a different reason this time. "Has she been pregnant this whole time?" she quietly asked.

Colin hesitated... But then nodded. "I think so."

"Oh," she leaned her head back into Colin's chest.

"You didn't know," Colin held her closer.

"It shouldn't have mattered anyway, right? I tried so hard to just.... Keep my opinions to myself. They're fully adults they can do that they want! But it just made things worse. I'm a terrible actor, and a worse mother-"

"You're objectively not a terrible mother, your concerns weren't unfounded-"

"-I wouldn't have even HAD half of them if they'd just told us from the beginning-"

"-you would have had different ones, and besides, you never liked to tell before you were twelve weeks, either."

"Is she? Twelve weeks?"

"I'm not sure."

She paused and took a few staying breaths. "She's going to be a great mum."

"Yes," Colin agreed easily, smiling down into PJ's hair.

"And Bash, too, as a dad. I've always thought so, he's always done so well as an uncle-"

"Oh, nobody doubts that you think he'll make a fine father, you've made yourself exceedingly clear on that opinion."

She started to pull away from him, "See, this is why I thought my opinions were unwanted!"

He let her go. "Darling, I always want all of your thoughts and opinions... Bash probably didn't need that one so many times, though," he teased.

"Maybe he did, maybe it's why he's decided to be a father after all," she said in an airy tone that suggested she knew she was being absurd.... But might be right even so.

Colin kept his mouth shut on the matter and moved onto the next. "Briar's coming over."

She gave him a look. "What else have you done?"

"Told Owen you won't be going back to the school after lunch," PJ tried to protest but Colin spoke over her, "Patience Jane, I won't hear it- you were already having a shit day, Sebastian's a wreck- he might actually need to hear you say he'll make a great dad seventy-eight times again. Then Nell's going to bring Lucy over later."

"Fine! Sit and eat before I decide to be angry you took away my agency completely."

He knew she didn't want to be angry, so he side-stepped. "Thank you for lunch." He ladled a scoop of soup into a bowl.

"Briar's here," he announced. "I told her to take the front door," he explained why she wasn't here here.

If she hadn’t specifically been reassured everyone was alright when Colin called, Briar would have thought something terrible had happened; she’d never seen Sebastian like this. Adult Sebastian, anyway. She would have come regardless, but seeing him, she was glad she’d been able to get there so quickly- the Anywhere Door solved the problem of Elliott being at the office (and, unfortunately for her, took away the easiest excuse for him to come home). He might be more useful at the firm, since apparently Sebastian wasn’t going back, which was what she’d told him when she’d called from Bash’s flat. No need to panic yet. She wanted her husband now (always), but when she really needed him he always seemed to turn up. It was just… always raining, wasn’t it. She couldn’t remember ever catching that haunted, sleepless look on anyone lit by sunshine, but here it was again. She adjusted the hood of her jacket and studied Sebastian when he finally straightened up out of her embrace, keeping hold of him by his elbows like that could keep him there. He was practically buzzing to bolt, she could feel it and she understood it. What were you supposed to do with over-abundant love when you’d been taught you didn’t deserve it?She didn’t need to know the specifics to see the crisis of the moment. “Whatever’s wrong, you’ll feel better once you dry off,” she offered simply, giving his arm a gentle squeeze.“

Bash shook his head, lips twitching between a genuine smile and a miserable, ironic smirk. “Nothing’s wrong, that’s the thing. I just keep… fucking up non-issues.”

Briar’s eyebrow dipped in disbelief. “I’m not sure that describes you, love.”

“No,” he agreed immediately. “No. It wouldn’t usually, would it. Only I did just upset PJ enough to be escorted out by Colin, so. Currently, an accurate description.”

And thank GOD for media training- she didn’t react at all. To this SHOCKING information. Her most- …okay, her ONLY polite child?? Kicked out of the SHOE? PJ had a reputation for ferocity, sure, but it was hard to imagine Sebastian bringing out that side of her. He was so… placid. His whole presence brought fighting energy DOWN. But here he was in the rain, hard to argue. “Well you’ve been invited back in, so let’s get you warm and dry and then you can tell me why I’m here.”

He ran a hand over his face, exhausted at the prospect. “I’ll go home and change,” he resigned. He could stuff his too many feelings back into their tidy file boxes and worry about them later.

“No need, I stopped on my way here.” She knew him, he’d come back neat and ordered with whatever currently had him IN TEARS (which she was kindly not acknowledging) buried forever. “Sorry about your bag, but it’s your fault for not owning anything sensible.”

He groaned, only noticing the duffel slung over her shoulder after it’d been pointed out. “Leather is the most sensible material, reasonable people carry an umbrella.”

Briar took the grumbling as a sign that he hadn’t gone full-on Hollow Man. She was still worried! But the day he stopped caring about water damage was the day he’d disappear completely. “Elliott carries the umbrella, should’ve called him,” she retorted with his same unserious prickliness.

“Actually?” he asked, amused in spite of his dark mood. “Umbrella is strictly an Elliott job?”

“I wouldn’t even know where to find one, we have a truly mysterious number of closets.” And yes. That’d been true for the entirety of their relationship. Fundamentally, she was a person who accepted misery for herself and Elliott was not. Sensibly. Which was precisely why he’d be useless at present- he understood suffering plenty well, but self-inflicted suffering was her area. “Go change. Let PJ feed you lunch. Don’t dig your heels in, you won’t want to be stuck here.”

He sighed wearily and tipped his face towards the clouds, but he knew she was right. He was worse than useless like this, and he didn’t have to feel THIS miserable. There were puddles in his shoes. “Yeah, alright,” he agreed, taking his bag and leading her back the way she came. The kitchen door felt too familiar now. Not permanently, he hoped, just… for now. He didn’t want to barge in on PJ.

Bash held it together until he opened the bag she’d packed, and then he was glad he was alone because he was sobbing cartoonishly. In his fiancée’s childhood bedroom. Spectacular. It was just the timing of being well loved- that she’d known he’d be uncomfortable at the Shoe in clothes he wore to work even barring their currently soaked status, that she hadn’t felt the need to ask permission to enter his flat or go through his closet, that she’d brought him an outfit he’d have picked himself not something objectively comfortable. It was hard be simultaneously bursting with gratitude and still feel like he was being treated better than he deserved. A guilty sort of thankfulness.

Briar stood up from the top stair of the landing and looked at him expectantly when he reemerged. She’d waited for him instead of joining PJ and Colin in the kitchen, just in case; sometimes he just needed a minute. He looked much more himself now that he wasn’t soaking wet, but in better light it was more obvious he’d been crying.

“We’re having a baby,” he offered quietly, knowing patience had probably been difficult to muster. He was grateful for the effort, but he wasn’t after additional bamboozlement- he didn’t need Briar to find out with an audience. Colin had surely told PJ as soon as he’d come inside, they could keep moving through this terrible awkward part. Lucy would be here… eventually. Ideally the environment would be slightly less tense by then, or what was the point of any of this.

“I hoped so.” Briar’s grin was so instantaneous it couldn’t have been manufactured. ‘We’ and ‘having a baby.’ Not ‘I got Lucy pregnant,’ or any variation thereof. She knew good news when she heard it. “Hazel’s been cagey for weeks, I knew she was sitting on something exciting.”

Bash found himself pulled into another hug. He was in no position to act like he didn’t need it. He was grateful for her seemingly endless ability to just… go with it. She had plenty of practice exercising grace, he supposed, but he did seem to be the beneficiary rather often.

She didn’t wait for him to pull away this time, she wanted to look at him. The pride she felt for him didn’t surprise her after so many years, but she knew she might have to work to temper it before going downstairs. “PJ’s upset?”

“Not… uh… about that. Or maybe about that, too, but I didn’t get as far as telling her. I came in a little… hot. I’ve been feeling….” He shook his head, but she was nodding like she knew what he meant.

She realized he was waiting for her to fill in the blank. “Oh, it just makes you feel sort of animal, doesn’t it? That’s not just for mums.” She (very kindly) didn’t laugh at his obvious relief. “Did you think you were going mad?”

“…sort of. I mean it’s ridiculous- someone bumped into Lucy the other day and I wanted to throw him to the ground.”

“I have done, if that makes you feel any better,” she offered, laughing.

“Inventing violent tendencies isn’t going to make me feel better, no.”

“Don’t be an ass, I’m trying to tell you babies make good parents a little crazy. Bad ones too, I guess, but not in this- that’s beside the point, I assaulted a paparazzo! Michael had to have the story killed, it was NOT my finest moment. All he did was take a picture of Ruby having a meltdown, not exactly anything damning, but I just… I don’t know, there wasn’t even a SECOND of thought. I was talking myself down internally, and then I had two fistfuls of his shirt. Something tripped and he was an unacceptable threat to someone I loved. If you metaphorically body-slammed PJ… I can guarantee that feeling is familiar to her, too. She’ll forgive you, and you won’t do it again to someone who doesn’t deserve it… even though you’ll almost definitely feel inappropriate rage again. It’s just part of it!”

He gave her shoulder a squeeze and exhaled a deep breath. “Thank you. Really. That… helped.”

She scoffed and shrugged off his hand playfully. “As IF you’re surprised, I’m full of helpful anecdotes.”

“Well usually the advice is directed at someone else,” he pointed out, grinning. “Turns out you did have something all along-“ he was rightly smacked in the chest for this, “-ALRIGHT, SORRY.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to annoy your most definite ally- get to the kitchen before your in-laws think you’re a coward.”

He let her half-shove him down the stairs; it was reassuring to be normal without forcing it. He’d been so sure he’d have to force it. He was relieved enough to see that as a place to start. “Thank you for calling her.” He sat down across from Colin and PJ and downed nearly half of the offered cup of tea in a single swallow. Never needed it more. For English reasons, but also because like the bag of clothes, the tea had been perfectly and lovingly prepared. He’d needed the reminder he wasn’t a stranger here. “I think I have my head back on, more or less. And I am… still very sorry, PJ.”

PJ had let herself unload about her morning at school (why had she become an administrator?!) when it became clear that Briar wasn't joining them immediately after Colin announced her arrival. Which was good: talking to her husband always helped, and she knew so. So she was trying to come to terms with WHY she hadn't been talking to him about her concerns about Lucy and Sebastian. He'd tried so hard to get her to, he'd known she'd needed it... and not just because the kids needed her to, she'd needed it for herself. Something about their being together had made her dig her heels in even more than usual, though, and she was regretful about it. Not about being KIND REGARDLESS OF HER FEELINGS, that was an absurd complaint she would not be apologizing for. But she was sorry she'd kept her concerns to herself, at least sorry she hadn't expressed them to Colin, and possibly she'd get to regretting not talking to Lucy, too.

She wasn't there yet because she would have hated herself for talking to Lucy the way she had Sebastian (she hated that all on it's own! Would have just been even worse if Lucy had been directly on the receiving end. Which Sebastian clearly knew: almost certainly why he'd tried so hard to get it out of her first). But if she'd actually talked to Colin she probably wouldn't have ever said anything to Sebastian or Lucy regardless. Parenting adults was hard, especially since they still had minor children!

Peg and Elias were teenagers and adolescence had REALLY done a number on Peg. PJ had thought she was getting another daughter like Nell and then PUBERTY and Peg was suddenly Caroline and Lucy combined but with better planning skills! She wasn't a hurricane, she was a HIGH POWERED LASER BEAM. PRECISE AND DEVESTATING. And TOO good looking for her own good and KENW IT. She was sure half of her problem was transposing her feelings about Peg (a barely sixteen-year-old girl!) onto Lucy (a mid-twenties adult!). The other half was the very obvious discrepancy in Lucy and Sebastian's future in: re having children. BUT. WHO KNEW SEBASTIAN HAD GONE AND CHANGED HIS MIND SO COMPLETELY?!

Ultimately, she was OVERJOYED. Not about the timeline, that was UNFORTUNATE but also unchangeable. But about this new grandchild in general: yes. Lucy had ALWAYS wanted to be a mum and PJ had been VERY convinced ever since Maeve was born and Sebastian was so taken with her that parenthood would suit him as well. Could she have asked for a better outcome? Probably not! If those idiots had just TOLD HER. She would have been upset about the timing ONLY not about the perceived incompatibility. She was not blind she was VERY AWARE of how taken they were with each other and that was why it was SO CONCERNING. DOOMED FROM THE OUTSET. She had been told to take childfree people very seriously and not pester! SO SHE HAD. WHERE was her trophy for NEVER ONCE telling Sebastian that he'd change his mind?! Oh, ha, the baby: better than any gold star for good behavior.

So by the time Sebastian returned she was no longer actively angry about anything. Overwhelmingly pleased about this baby that was NOT being born to Peg and one of her older brother's friends (A NEAR CONSTANT WORRY PJ HAD AND SHOULD PROBABLY BE TALKING TO A THERAPIST ABOUT). She'd never worried about Nell and Lucy getting teenaged pregnant. As far as she knew Nell was still a virgin and Lucy had only one very short relationship with a boy as a teenager: the rest had been girls while she'd still been at home. And VERY sweet girls! Piper and Lizzie! WHO could complain?! All teenage daughters should be asexual or lesbians as far as PJ was concerned. Her teenage boys were mostly late bloomers, too dorky (praise the Lord) to be too worried about until they were already old enough not to be, aside from Owen who WAS a teen dad. A married teen dad, but a teen dad nevertheless! BAMBOOZLED by his religious devotion! She couldn't even be mad about that, though, he was living next door and working with her and WAS THIS NOT THE DREAM?! It was!

She wanted to hug Sebastian, but he sat down across from her instead so she settled for looking at him with heart eyes and a beaming smile for now. "Me too: head on and sorry for what I said. I was projecting some of my feelings about Peg onto Lucy, I think. And missing.... many new facts," she mildly hedged. She chanced a glance at Briar who made it immediately clear that she had been told. PJ swallowed down her flash of envy that she'd behaved in a way that made her get the news second hand... she still didn't think she'd done anything all that wrong UNTIL today (well, aside from not talking to Colin as well. That, too, she was sorry about). But she was happy about the baby and wanted him to know! And actually, why couldn't she hear it from him? She reached her hand across the table, palm up, inviting him to hold it. "Colin did tell me, but... can I hear it from you?"

Briar laughed without humor in acknowledgement of PJ’s Peg-feelings, taking the chair next to Sebastian. She’d raised one of those and was GLAD TO BE DONE- parenting sixteen-year-old Ruby had been harrowing. Peg had a lot of eyes on her, but if Briar had learned one thing… to some people, watchful eyes were just a captive audience. She knew better than to give Patience Beckett unsolicited advice, plus she didn’t HAVE any- Peg didn’t want to be Prime Minister, she just wanted… well, whatever she happened to want. She and Elliott had been able to sneak a lot of parenting in as career guidance; THAT WAS NOT GOING TO WORK HERE. All she had was: good fucking luck. She DID hope that this meant they were allowed to talk about it though. Sometimes it helped to just be worried out loud, and the problem of Peg had been building for a while now. Several decades of friendship hadn’t made PJ easier to crack, but it had at least taught Briar to recognize the signs of her opening up. She gave a half-shrug of apology before pouring herself a cup of tea. Nothing about the delivery of Bash’s news seemed to have gone well, she knew she couldn’t be in trouble for having heard it.

Bash took PJ’s hand between both of his as soon as she offered it. He probably should have hugged her. He’d taught himself that instinct, it was almost natural now in other circumstances: saying hello and goodbye, offering comfort. But not… maybe not when he was an equally vulnerable party; he’d reached automatically for the familiarity of her kitchen table, of the perfect cup of tea, but not, automatically, for PJ. Probably… needed to come up in therapy soon. “We decided to have a baby.” This time he was allowed to smile because everyone else was. “…and then we fell in love about it. She’s due end of May- oh wait, I have-” he took one hand back to reach through space and feel blindly through the drawer of his bedside table, which was one of few places safe from prying the prying eyes of the sixty-two thousand family members with access to their flat. “No hospitals, Lucy has a healer coming to the house,” he disclaimed, sliding the ultrasound to PJ across the table, “Non-magical medicine is allowed when it’s charming, though.” And he did find these few pictures VERY charming, even if there was next to nothing to see still. Hadn’t stopped him from spending quite a lot of time staring.

Briar had the sense to let PJ have this- it was HER daughter’s ultrasound, she wasn’t insane enough to be jealous it’d been placed in front of her. But she did lean forward on her elbows so she could see, too. Ruby was so stubborn about resisting unnecessary convention (and so baffled by ordinary sentimentality) that she didn’t HAVE any ultrasounds to be printed out- it was exciting to get to see a baby before it was born, even if it was sort of blobbish at present. “GOOD odds on a blonde- about time, Peej.”